Her world opens and closes as she melts into him.
He doesn’t know, or maybe he does,
how much she holds back.
A peck on the lips, a deeper kiss.
She wants to devour him.
She wants him to feel what she does.
She is not even aware of onlookers,
she doesn’t care.
She only cares about feeling him;
physically, mentally, emotionally.
She has this moment only.
She memorizes his breathing,
his finger tips, his eyes,
the taste of his lips.
She is both alive and dead.
All those words she meant to say
Baby, it’s one of those days
I need you, to take me away
A little mind escape
Some skin on skin play
Lets sneak off for a while
Or maybe twenty-four hours
Lets leave right this minute
I know the spot
I want you
I dance with depression
a slow sorrowful waltz
dips and twirls
that fade in and out
It’s not glamorous
the dresses have no frills
there are no vivid colors
disco balls or thrills
I don’t know when my partner
will show to take
me by my hand
I’d like to tell him no
but the choice isn’t mine
He pulls me to the floor
before the music starts
the dancing begins
as my self-preservation
Thoughts of death and suicide
slowly infect my mind
I don’t want it to happen
but it does
from time to time
I dance with depression
I try to tell him no
but he drags me to floor
and it’s happening more
She steps from the curb
Into the path of the Lincoln navigator
It’s tires squeal as it brakes
Just missing her
She is brought to the present
Can’t hold back the tears
It not hitting her
Was her biggest fear
I thought I was missing you
but I was missing me
or the person I
used to be
The person you saw strong and true
shining in your eyes of blue
I wish I could’ve seen what you saw
maybe then I wouldn’t be
A thousand times I tell him goodbye.
In my mind.
Who am I kidding?
He runs through my veins.
If I cut myself open and bled dry,
he would still be with me.
He is my air.
My lungs labor for breaths
when he is not near to filter my pollutants.
He is my Superhero.
Saving me from myself.
The wicked, belittling bitch that I am.
He is my Sunshine.
Warming me, and
shining brightly unto my dullest days.
He is both the loudest
and softest voice in my head.
He keeps me from
yet, is my truest insanity.
And a thousand times
I tell him goodbye.
But only in my mind,
yes, only in my mind.
Recently I paid a visit to my childhood home. My parent’s home, as I refer to it. I spent most of my childhood years in this town, and house, but I have been away now longer than I had lived there. Still, family and friends will ask “how long will you be HOME?” or “when will you be HOME again?”, I smile and reply, “I’ll be VISITING for 5 days” or “I’m not sure when I’ll VISIT again.” That place is not my HOME, nor do those people know me. They know the girl who grew up there, the women I let them see, but they don’t know the me I have become.
Then I return from my visit and my current residence has been rearranged. My bed is moved, my dresser, my writing desk, all of “my comfort” materials. I am standing on unfamiliar ground. I am not surprised, this has never been my HOME. This has been the home of my children and their father, but not mine.
I have yet to find my HOME. Someplace I can find peace, comfort and wholeness. I’ve caught a glimpse in rare moments, in coffee shops, truck stops, dark offices, my car, parks, beaches, but never in a house. Maybe someday, maybe not, some people aren’t meant for that. Maybe my HOME is in the eyes of my children, and loved ones, maybe it is not a place for me, but rather a feeling. Yes, I think perhaps HOME is a feeling, and I shall need to visit often.
I ran into a lot of people from my past this past week…
I will wait forever, you know
My want for you, will only grow
My affection, will not expire
Nor, my dear, will my desire
I will wait, as I’ve said in the past
My love for you, will last and last
When we are old, when we are grey
My love for you, will remain unchanged
She removes her flip flops to bare her feet
wishing she were baring her whole being
She wants to push him into the soft grass
not giving a damn about the mess
As her hand lays softly upon his knee
she wishes to run it up his thigh just as easily
She wants to kiss him hard and harder still
to feel every tingle as her body thrills
She longs to turn in his embrace to face him
rip his shirt from his chest to feel his skin
She wants to ride him there where they sit
and that smooth face of his, she wants to lick it
But now is not the time, nor is this the place
she gathers her composure, she shows the greatest restraint
Yet I question that truth
He should know by now
that is what
I question it all
and what lies behind
his tricks of the mind
With a hug and a kiss
but, I wonder, exactly
what it is
I have no time for words today. Please accept my gift of this generic playlist.
In return I will gladly accept gifts of coffee and sushi :)
3 am, I reach for you
I’ve forgotten, I’m no longer allowed to
3 am, no vibration from my phone
I remind myself, I am alone
3 am, are you still awake, looking at the stars
laying there, on the hood of your car
3 am, holds me hostage as early day breaks
memories haunt, my heart aches
* I have written this piece hundreds of times in my head for the last two years, it was time to get it out of my head…
The cut is much deeper than I care to express
Blood runs crimson from my beating chest
Pain remains hidden behind expressionless face
What has been lost cannot be replaced
The void so wide and gaping, incomprehensible to me
Cause of this affliction is my current mystery