Facing My Fear

The not so cute waiter asked me to move away from the window, “broken glass doesn’t go well with your dress ma’am” he tells me as he reaches for my wine and gestures to a table further away from the window.  I frown my disapproval and move to the “safer” table with reluctance.  I sit sipping my wine watching the rain, hail and wind whip the patio furniture outside the window.  Rain starts to leak in through the bottom of the door to the patio.  Nobody notices but myself.  I finally point this out to thee now even more unattractive waiter, who assembles a clean up crew.  I switch from wine to coffee, as my phone starts to send me severe weather alerts.  This will be a long drive home.

It is a long drive home.  The lightning fills the sky, it is simply beautiful, and I want to capture it on my phone and send it to someone who will appreciate it with me.  It is about this time that I become flooded with the realization of my fear.  Not fear of the storm, I would walk naked into the eye of a tornado laughing all the way.  I love storms!!  Storms are the one time that I am fully comfortable letting go of every bit of control and just giving in.  Somehow the storm without calms my storm within.

No, I came to realize that I had a deeper nagging fear I was trying to cover, as I often do.  The fear of loss.  Of losing someone.  I am for the most part a free spirit, I don’t hold too tightly and I let go fairly easily, as I expect the same from others.  But damned if I hadn’t gotten myself into a situation where the thought of being absent from this person caused me real pain.  So, do I let go, and give in, do I walk naked and boldly into the eye of the storm or do I move to a safer table and watch from a distance??

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20 thoughts on “Facing My Fear

  1. ai! i know what you mean. i recently realized i often choose to be alone because it is safer. if i don’t have anyone, i can’t lose anyone. but i today i am choosing to walk into the storm–even if i do end up getting hurt.
    good post!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Personally, I answer my questions like that in this way – when I’m brave that is – WHAT is my cost if I DON’T go forth? Do I feel “small” if I don’t go forth? Is there a good possibility of something grand to be had, lived, learned? At my core, is it fear that keeps me in this place? and if it is, I have to do it because fear is meant to be challenged. Fear is like those things you capture or eat in video games. If you “eat it”, you gain power. Then again, sometimes I think about it and see if the same feelings disappear. If they arise again, I have to go forth.

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