Thoughts of him

I cannot move past these thoughts of him

the few and rare moments we’ve had together

his eyes, his lips, his touch

his voice, I love so much

I cannot move on

to the day at hand

the routine, the mundane

I lose touch with common things

as my mind retreats

as I’m lost

in recalling memories

and I smile

at every

thought of him

 

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She Hates Him

She hates him

The way a dog hates table scraps

The way a cat hates belly rubs

She hates him

She hates his every “good morning”, and his every “goodnight”
She hates the way he questions why good morning is two words and goodnight is one word

She hates how he asks about her day, every single day
How he wants to know something, good, exciting, bad or even sad – how he just wants to know

She hates the way he bosses her – telling her to be careful and safe driving home

She hates that he knows her moods without her saying a word (she hates that the most)

She hates him, like she hates to dream and fly

She hate him, but she never wants to say goodbye

A Love Story ~ The Waiting

I’ll wait for you, she says; as he boards another plane, takes another trip, goes for another ride, lays his head down for the night.  I’ll wait for you, she reminds him.  She smiles as she does.  She used to hate to wait, but she does so out of love.

He is a mover, always on the go.  She admittedly moves much more slow.  He is gone now, away again.  Another trip, someplace beautiful.  She is waiting, waking, working, writing, sleeping, breathing, and waiting some more.  She sits for hours sometimes, waiting for a bleep of the phone.

How long she’ll wait, she cannot say.  She may wait forever, or she may wait one more day.  Either way, and however it may go, she will wait as long as her heart tells her so. Right now she is waiting, for a kiss goodnight.  She is waiting for a “let’s snuggle in tight”.   She is waiting for dreams to carry her away, so she can start the waiting over again, tomorrow day.

 

Stolen Moments

Your kiss still lingers

as if it were brand new

My lips still tingle

when I think of you

My  body remembers

the feel of you against me

Stolen moments fading

between dreams and reality

Close tight my eyes

time and space erased

Holding my breath

I’m back in your embrace

Silent Reflection

It hit on the drive home
quite unexpectedly
The enormity of the world
in comparison to you and me

This overwhelming warmth
deep within my  heart
Feeling so close to you
while logistically so far apart

How is it that two people
strangers of place and time
should be lucky to meet each other
through this rhythm and rhyme

How do two hearts connect
with all this interference
in this cold, cold, world
with all this indifference

I catch my breath
my heart skips a beat
silently I reflect
on the meaning of you and me

As The World Turns

“Hello” I say into the phone, not bothering to look at caller ID.

“E-mail sucks” he almost groans.  I smile, he’s correct, I haven’t heard from him in hours.  I was getting nervous, to be honest.

I tell him as much, we chat and laugh and smile.  We are busy, we cannot stay on the phone long.  His world, my world; going one hundred miles a minute parallel to each other, intersecting on rare wonderful occasions.  The moments we live for.

I’m back to my coffee and patients, he’s back to his reports.  The world keeps turning, paying no mind to shit e-mail or moon crossed lovers who can’t go a few hours without conversation.  The world keeps mourning celebrities, abusing their own children and pampering their pets.  The world keeps advancing and falling apart at equal speed.

And me, I just want coffee, I want time with him alone, away from this world, in Neverland or on the moon, either will do.  I’m also open to other suggestions.

 

 

Wonderful Hurt

She loves him more than she knows she probably should

She couldn’t stop now, and she wouldn’t even if she could

Sure, at times the pain cuts deep and draws blood

A price she willingly pays for this love

When it hurts, it’s in the most wonderful way

Her smile starts small, then consumes her face

She prays she hurts this way for eternity

Sometimes you need the pain to be happy

 

 

A Love Story ~ In The Beginning

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In the beginning

She was apprehensive, almost standoffish.  I guess he didn’t notice or didn’t care.  He had his very own agenda which had not one single thing to do with her.  Their bad attitudes just happened to collide.

In the beginning

She thought him to be ignorant, but not in the way that one is not intelligent, she knew he was intelligent.  In the way that one is new to something.  Which he was.  He was new to this world which she was so completely consumed within.  She was both bothered and endeared with his newness.  The endearment stuck.

In the beginning

She tried every one of her tricks to push him away.  He either didn’t notice or didn’t seem to care.  Her heart skipped a beat each and every time he returned.  He seemed to both notice and care because he never stayed gone for very long. This delighted her very much.  An emotion she wasn’t much accustomed to.

In the beginning

She knew they were in big trouble.

 

The Greatest Gift

Recently I had the honor of watching my dearest friend pass away.

I realize that most would not consider this an honor but rather morbid and awful.  Yet, as often as I have re-played her last words, last breath, and last moments in my mind, I am grateful that I was lucky enough to be with her during those moments.  I don’t think I could accept her death had I not been a witness.

You see, she had been ill for some time, one day short of a month to be exact, but was on the upswing.  She was going to be released from the hospital in a few days, either into a rehab center or home (where I would stay with her), having home healthcare coming in for rehabilitation.  We had spent most of the day discussing plans for her release from “captivity”, right down to the first meal she wanted when she came home.  This might not sound so exciting from a reading standpoint, but just three weeks prior she had been in a coma, and two weeks prior she still could not breathe on her own, so sitting here talking about getting out was a huge deal.

For myself, I was exhausted.  I had spent everyday for the last 29 days going between work and the hospital.  This day was a good day filled with good news and I expected to finally be able to sleep the entire night through.  I was wrong.  Ruth’s heart unexpectedly failed that evening, just as I was preparing to leave for the night.  She had made it quite clear that she did not want to be put back on life support should it come to that again.  So here, in front of me I witnessed a DNR request honored as my dearest friend’s heart stopped for the fourth time in a less than a month.  This time the line on the monitor did not go back up, this time it stayed flat.  This time the “crash cart” left the room as the team called time of death.  This time was the last time.

I sat on the cold floor of the hospital hallway.  Ruth’s favorite nurse came and gave me a hug (his shift was just ending when she coded and he ran into her room), he asked how I was, I said “pissed right the fuck off” and he told me that was o.k., and then I cried, he hugged me harder and asked if there was anything he could do, “no, not anymore, thank you”.  So many others came and hugged me and asked me the same.  Then the hospital clergy came over and talked with me “here are parking passes, how many will you need?  How many will be coming?”, holy shit I thought, I need to call people and tell them!!!

I felt bad and sad for those people who I had to notify.  My grief quickly pushed aside as I took to the business at hand and I became the consoler and comforter.  This is when I truly realized what an honor it was for me to be a witness to her passing.  I got the last moments with her, I have the very last memory of her, it is mine, and I am so blessed and honored to carry that gift.

 

**Ruth passed away Sept 26, 2015.  She was my closest & dearest friend.  I am still struggling with her death on many levels, and intend to miss her every day.  My writing here on WP has taken a blow during her illness, hospital stay and untimely passing, I have lost my spark and social flair, I don’t know if either of those will ever recover, but I hope so as I miss you all so much.

Much Love,

BB

 

 

 

 

 

 

No Choice

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I did not want to want you,
to love you,
or to,
(especially to)
need you

I did not want to
think about you first thing when I woke,
last thing before I fall asleep
and all the times
in between
not even
when I dream

I did not want to
share my secrets
my inner most thoughts
I didn’t want you to know
well, frankly, a lot

I didn’t want to ache
for your lips
upon mine

I didn’t even want to know
that there would
ever come a time

When my heart would scream so loud
that it would drown out my own voice

I didn’t want to …
but I didn’t have a choice

Why Do We Hate? – Guest Post

Black and white,
Why do we fight?
Gay and straight,
Why do we hate?

It’s time to look inside
For we are the all the same
We can still turn the tide
It’s time to stop the blame

If we all stand together
We can end this pain
Let’s make the world better
It’s time to join the peace train

It’s time to abort
This war we wage
Life is far too short
To be so full of rage

We can still make this right
It’s never too late
To stop the fight
Why do we hate

* My son sent me this yesterday, with this note “I was bored, you can use this for your site if you want.”  He started writing recently to clear his head (I have no idea where he gets that from).

Superwoman

She is Superwoman
the strongest I know
The world tried to kill her
but she’s not ready to go

They say that her heart
just can’t handle the stress
but her heart disagrees
and keeps coming back

She’s been resuscitated
just to flat line again
yet five minutes ago
she tightly squeezed my hand

She says she isn’t strong
yet I’ve always known she is
She’s fucking Superwoman
she’s a boss-ass bitch

*Dedicated to my best friend who continues to fight for her life.

I urge everyone to have a living will, and to also have a DNR with the hospital (if that is your choice).  Please do not leave these hard decisions to your family should it come to that.  You do not know if your family will all agree and even have your best interest in their own hearts.

Unsaid

Her world opens and closes as she melts into him.

He doesn’t know, or maybe he does,

how much she holds back.

A peck on the lips, a deeper kiss.

She wants to devour him.

She wants him to feel what she does.

She is not even aware of onlookers,

she doesn’t care.

She only cares about feeling him;

physically, mentally, emotionally.

She has this moment only.

She memorizes his breathing,

his finger tips, his eyes,

the taste of his lips.

She is both alive and dead.

All those words she meant to say

remain

unsaid.

A Thousand Times

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A thousand times I tell him goodbye.

In my mind.

Who am I kidding?

He runs through my veins.

If I cut myself open and bled dry,

he would still be with me.

He is my air.

My lungs labor for breaths

when he is not near to filter my pollutants.

He is my Superhero.

Saving me from myself.

The wicked, belittling bitch that I am.

He is my Sunshine.

Warming me, and

shining brightly unto my dullest days.

He is both the loudest

and softest voice in my head.

He keeps me from

going crazy,

yet, is my truest insanity.

And a thousand times

I tell him goodbye.

But only in my mind,

yes, only in my mind.

In An Instant

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She knew in an instant

the weight of his world

why she would always

and never be, his girl

She could see through

his eyes, into his soul

she felt it in his touch

why, he couldn’t let go

She knew in an instant

every lie in his truth

so as she held tightly

she was letting loose

She knew by his kiss

the instant was gone

still within her heart

she’d forever hold on

My Love For You

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I will wait forever, you know

My want for you, will only grow

My affection, will not expire

Nor, my dear, will my desire

I will wait, as I’ve said in the past

My love for you, will last and last

When we are old, when we are grey

My love for you, will remain unchanged

Away

There is away

and then there is

away from me

Right now he is away

from me

I find I am missing a part of me

Don’t get me wrong,

I am still functioning

beautifully

But I’m missing the part

that makes me,

more me

I am missing him,

Us and We

There is away

then

there is away from me

That is the saddest place

he can ever be

The Beauty of Letting Go

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There is something so beautiful

in the art of letting go

It’s very different from giving up

for it lets love flow

So very selfless in nature

to set another free

When your strongest desire

to hold them, endlessly

When your love for another

outgrows your own carnal needs

Then, and only

will your own heart be free

Such is the beauty of letting go

through one to another

letting love, freely flow