I Will Be Gone

And I will be gone.

A memory,

or less.

Occasionally, perhaps,

a single pounding in your chest.

I will be gone.

Sailing a different sea,

riding a different breeze.

I will be gone,

for I’ve turned another page.

Thanks to the power of my pen, and imagination,

I am simply departing

old ways.

*It is time for me to bid BB (and this site) a fond farewell. I have adored; writing, playing, bonding, hurting, and most importantly – loving, with each and everyone here.
I will be keeping this site on private for my own sappy nostalgia; I will also keep all of my emails available for open communication.
When / if, I get back to posting my writings, it will be at my “To Tell A Story” (Lesley Irma)site.

XO
Lesley Irma

December’s Cruelty

December has claimed
yet another casualty
I drop quickly
to my callused knees
praying for release from
this cruelty

I turn
of course
to my beloved
poetry
a safe comfort
envelopes me

Alone,
yet surrounded
by common
sympathies

Here in This Place
Pain
is the preferred currency
Here in This Place
I find Peace

thus calming

December’s cruelty

 

 

 

Mind Fuck

I could fuck with your mind
another hundred times

but I’m bored
with this nonsense
and these games

I’m bored
with all of this
same
old same

I’m bored with this
I am bored with that

I could fuck with your mind
your body, your soul

Oh, I could
but I know

I’d still be empty
I’d
still have needs

I could taunt all day
flirt and tease
I could weave my words
to tantalize, to please

I could if I wanted
but I save my energy

for it’s days like today
that my own mind
fucks with me

Tick – Tock

the seconds, minutes, hours
turning to days
as the clock continues
to tick away

another week, month
another year
in the mirror
another wrinkle appears

applying make-up
that feels more like spackle
why do I bother
does it even matter

take a deep breath in……
then breathe out
relax for one second – then
continue about

your petty little life
in this great big world
does any of it matter
do you think any of it could

the clock just ticks away
time just marches on
you breathe in
breathe out
you’re dead and gone

She Got the House

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She got the house
though she didn’t want it
the tall grass
and the leaky facets

She got the house
the mortgage that came with it
the peeling paint
and everything that needed fixing

She got the house
with all the memories inside
holding her prisoner
to a past tense life

She got the house
and those precious mouths to feed
He walked away
clear and free

She got the house
they told her she’d won
but to have her family whole
she’d burn it to the ground

Today, is a Good Day

One day you once again feel the wind blowing through your hair

One day you find yourself listening to the old songs without crying

One day you catch yourself dancing, smile, and then happily dance some more

One day an old “friend” messages and your heart doesn’t flip or flutter
you exchange honest pleasantries and go on with your day

One day you wake up fully rested, from a good night’s sleep

One day you decide being angry is a waste of your energy
you let the little things roll off your back, and you give attention to the big things

One day you realize YOU get to decide the little things versus the big things

One day you, when you have exhausted every other avenue, come to the conclusion to live while you are still alive

One day you take control of your life

One day, you will once again say, “Today is a good day”

As The World Turns

“Hello” I say into the phone, not bothering to look at caller ID.

“E-mail sucks” he almost groans.  I smile, he’s correct, I haven’t heard from him in hours.  I was getting nervous, to be honest.

I tell him as much, we chat and laugh and smile.  We are busy, we cannot stay on the phone long.  His world, my world; going one hundred miles a minute parallel to each other, intersecting on rare wonderful occasions.  The moments we live for.

I’m back to my coffee and patients, he’s back to his reports.  The world keeps turning, paying no mind to shit e-mail or moon crossed lovers who can’t go a few hours without conversation.  The world keeps mourning celebrities, abusing their own children and pampering their pets.  The world keeps advancing and falling apart at equal speed.

And me, I just want coffee, I want time with him alone, away from this world, in Neverland or on the moon, either will do.  I’m also open to other suggestions.

 

 

A Love Story ~ In The Beginning

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In the beginning

She was apprehensive, almost standoffish.  I guess he didn’t notice or didn’t care.  He had his very own agenda which had not one single thing to do with her.  Their bad attitudes just happened to collide.

In the beginning

She thought him to be ignorant, but not in the way that one is not intelligent, she knew he was intelligent.  In the way that one is new to something.  Which he was.  He was new to this world which she was so completely consumed within.  She was both bothered and endeared with his newness.  The endearment stuck.

In the beginning

She tried every one of her tricks to push him away.  He either didn’t notice or didn’t seem to care.  Her heart skipped a beat each and every time he returned.  He seemed to both notice and care because he never stayed gone for very long. This delighted her very much.  An emotion she wasn’t much accustomed to.

In the beginning

She knew they were in big trouble.

 

Dream Lovers

A long (but not) forgotten lover joined my dream without invitation Friday evening.

I was initially displeased to see his face.  Which is odd, as I’m generally pleased to see his face.  Friday night however, he didn’t belong.  He was uninvited, and moreover, unwelcome.  I said as much to the invited guest in my dream.  In fact he is the one who alerted me of “his” presence.  Which was crazy weird, since they don’t know each other.  But hey, a dream is a dream.

My invited guest said “hey, look who is here”, I looked and said “what is he doing here?”  to which my guest replied “I don’t know, this is your dream”, he had a decent point, even my dream-self thought so and rolled her eyes at him.  So I walked over to said uninvited guest, who even thought he did not “belong” in my dream.  I started to ask him “what are you doing here?”, but just as I opened my mouth, he asked me “what are you doing here?”, which was crazy, because it’s my fucking dream!

At this point in my dream I hear the very familiar voice of a mutual friend of mine and said uninvited guest, she chimes in “oh, for goodness sake, both of you get over yourselves and hug already!”  We both (he and I) look over at her (here I will interject that she is a lifelong dear friend of mine, whom he slept with after our breakup) and we say in harmony “what are you doing here?”  She laughs, and I will add she has one of the most beautiful laughs of anyone I know, and says “I need a beer”!  Did I mention, I’m completely in love with her, in the way you can love only a lifelong friend.

I awkwardly hug my uninvited guest, I hug my dear friend even harder and leave those two to drink a beer.  I turn back to my invited guest, kiss him passionately, and ask, “does this seem really weird to you?” he replies “Baby, it’s your dream, I’m just glad I belong here.”  I’m glad he knows he belongs here.  In my dreams and in my life.

 

In a Galaxy far, far away

Weekends Suck!

He and I are in two different galaxies

I’m going to punch the next person who says

TGIF to me

They don’t know

they don’t understand the pain it brings

how lonely Saturday and Sunday can be

how I long for Monday morning alarm clock rings

The sun is shinning and it’s 70 degrees

but my mind is in a far, far away galaxy

A Morning Prayer

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Why do you continue to test me

Am I not as strong as you need me to be

How much more will I need to take

Will you pile it on until I break

My shoulders are small, my skin is thin

I beg for mercy, confess my sin

My eyes are tired, my heart is weak

I fall humbly to my knees

Praying for one simple moment of peace

Still I know, I’m more Blessed then most

I chastise myself for losing Hope

I am but one grain of sand

Of all that you hold dear within your hands

If strength is given each time I fall

Then let me be the strongest woman of all

I beg for guidance and wisdom along the way

Because mornings like this, take my breath away

*It is said that we are not given more than we can handle.  Some of us are living proof that a person can handle an awful lot before they lose their minds.  Or, then again, maybe some people lose their minds and never even realize it.

 

 

Hibernation

My season of inactivity has left me restless rather than restful.

My mind is overwhelmed with more questions than I can answer.

My body is left sore from the lack of proper exercise.

My veins and heart have filled with concrete and it is difficult to move.

Each step and breath is labored.

I have spent too much time in hospitals, though not for myself; I lack medical attention.

The wonders of modern medicine no longer work for me, I seek organic remedies.

I search for myself within the written word, both my own and others.  I remain lost.

My lovers are my characters I’ve created within my mind.

In reality I just push everyone further and further away.

I hate being lonely, yet adore being alone.

My six month hibernation has reinforced my freedom to choose, so I go it alone.

I crave the spring, to crawl out of my cave, yet this hibernation is hard to shake.

 

*August 19, 2015 was the last real happy day that I can recall.  After that day everything went to shit.  I am trying to find my way back, past all the kicks in the head.  Thank You to everyone who has stuck around.  Special thanks to those to have sent messages to check on me.  Extra special thanks to the one who never lets go no matter how hard I push back.  I love you!  XO

 

 

 

 

 

I Got The Boy

Over the Holidays I had the opportunity to catch up with an old friend of mine.  Its funny because we seemed to have “run” with the same crowds, just at different times in our lives.  The catching up that we did had less to do with ourselves and more to do with the other people that we both knew.

We fell upon the subject of an old boyfriend of mine, and the conversation went something like this…

“You know ” my friend says to me “he changed when he moved back here.”

“Changed?!” I asked

“He was different”  my friend makes a funny expression at me

“Different?!  Did I ruin him?  It didn’t end well you know.”  I frown

“I didn’t know, no body knows, no body knows anything, but you could tell.  Anyway, he turned out alright.  He is happy now.”  My friend gives me a knowing look.

“I’ve heard”  I say.

I haven’t heard, but I’ve seen pictures of him with his family.  I’ve seen him in those cumbersome suits and ties.  He looks happy, although constrained.  He looks changed.  He looks, different.

He looks like a Man, a family Man.  Not the fun loving Boy I knew and loved.  Not the Boy who would roll lemons down the side of a mountain.  Not the Boy who drove a jeep along the beach.

That’s okay, change is good.  After all, I got the Boy, and I’d take the Boy every time.

 

2015

2015
A year a personal pain
and heartache

I am burdened
with the weight
of my love
having turned to hate

My dearest friends
were dealt
a far worse fate

2015
Washed away

Rivers rising
sweeping away
Christmas gifts
and resolutions
of New Year’s Day

I’m Blessed
my family is safe
I thankfully
turn to God with Praise

2015
Has left Me
Forever
changed