Monday (of a Holiday week)

I give it all – But you can’t stop taking from me…
(how I feel every second of every day of a Holiday week)


The Shakes and Shit

The good news – I am back on my full dose of medication and my headaches are under control, yay me!!

The bad news – my body is still adjusting, and the shakes and tinglings are back.  Personally I am a fan of the tinglings, except in my finger tips, because, well I just use my fingers all day long.  And the shakes, well fuck that!!  I fucking hate that shit.  I mean I look ridiculous for one, and it takes for fucking ever to do any thing.  This morning, it took me 15 mins to do my eyeliner, and I’ll admit, the eyeliner and eyeshadow (which I could not open) went flying across my bedroom (I’ll find them later).

The good news – I have medication to held control the shakes!

The bad news – it is a blood thinner, so it makes me bruise like an old lady on coumadin.  I will bruise if you look at me hard.

So bottom line.  It’s a beautiful Saturday, I am headache free, but look like a strung out battered woman who had a fight with her eyeliner.  LOL

I am hoping by mid-month my body will have adjusted according, wish me luck.

I Have Already Won

Someone said I will never win.  He is wrong.  I have already won.  You see, winning for me is not about location, or luxury.  It has nothing to do with whom I met in my life, who or how many people I sleep with, how many places I ever travel to.  If I became homeless right now, if I died this very second, I have already won.  I have already accomplished everything I need to in my life, I am complete.  And maybe one would say I haven’t set the bar high enough for myself, and that is a matter of opinion we are each entitled too.

After my first child died, all of my pregnancies after were high risk; high risk pregnancies are complicated, at best.  I managed with two live births and a miscarriage, pretty good odds really according to my Doctors.  I have one each, a boy and a girl, I have appropriately  reproduced.  I almost lost my daughter six years back in a horrible auto accident, but thanks to no small miracle she came through and proudly wears her scars as war badges.  I couldn’t be more proud of her.  The nervous breakdown she suffered after is a story all of its own, but she walked through fire again.  You see my kids are my whole world, I win because of the adults they have become.  In spite of the complete fuck up I am and the dysfunction in the household my children have had growing up, they are wonderful adults.  I win because of the close relationship my children and I have always and continue to have.

I am a wife a mother and a dear friend.  Let me tell you, sometimes I want to run as far away from all of those as I can.  I don’t. I don’t because I don’t give up on myself, and I don’t give up on people.  And I don’t let others define me, so call me a loser if you will, you won’t break my heart.  If you think I will never win you don’t know me, you don’t know who I am.  There is no war, and I have already won.

“Shaking” it off

Thank you to everyone who hung with me yesterday and showed me your support.

It seems I have come down with a case of feelings.  I had gotten a shot for these, but I guess it didn’t take.  No worries, I am seeing the Dr. (of dance) tomorrow evening at my favorite clinic (the club) and hopefully he will be able to prescribe the proper dosage of medication (getting my grove on).

Until then, I have just a few tunes to share to help me clear my head. Again, thank you all so much, you don’t know how much you all mean to me!!