I Will Be Gone

And I will be gone.

A memory,

or less.

Occasionally, perhaps,

a single pounding in your chest.

I will be gone.

Sailing a different sea,

riding a different breeze.

I will be gone,

for I’ve turned another page.

Thanks to the power of my pen, and imagination,

I am simply departing

old ways.

*It is time for me to bid BB (and this site) a fond farewell. I have adored; writing, playing, bonding, hurting, and most importantly – loving, with each and everyone here.
I will be keeping this site on private for my own sappy nostalgia; I will also keep all of my emails available for open communication.
When / if, I get back to posting my writings, it will be at my “To Tell A Story” (Lesley Irma)site.

XO
Lesley Irma

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The Greatest Gift

Recently I had the honor of watching my dearest friend pass away.

I realize that most would not consider this an honor but rather morbid and awful.  Yet, as often as I have re-played her last words, last breath, and last moments in my mind, I am grateful that I was lucky enough to be with her during those moments.  I don’t think I could accept her death had I not been a witness.

You see, she had been ill for some time, one day short of a month to be exact, but was on the upswing.  She was going to be released from the hospital in a few days, either into a rehab center or home (where I would stay with her), having home healthcare coming in for rehabilitation.  We had spent most of the day discussing plans for her release from “captivity”, right down to the first meal she wanted when she came home.  This might not sound so exciting from a reading standpoint, but just three weeks prior she had been in a coma, and two weeks prior she still could not breathe on her own, so sitting here talking about getting out was a huge deal.

For myself, I was exhausted.  I had spent everyday for the last 29 days going between work and the hospital.  This day was a good day filled with good news and I expected to finally be able to sleep the entire night through.  I was wrong.  Ruth’s heart unexpectedly failed that evening, just as I was preparing to leave for the night.  She had made it quite clear that she did not want to be put back on life support should it come to that again.  So here, in front of me I witnessed a DNR request honored as my dearest friend’s heart stopped for the fourth time in a less than a month.  This time the line on the monitor did not go back up, this time it stayed flat.  This time the “crash cart” left the room as the team called time of death.  This time was the last time.

I sat on the cold floor of the hospital hallway.  Ruth’s favorite nurse came and gave me a hug (his shift was just ending when she coded and he ran into her room), he asked how I was, I said “pissed right the fuck off” and he told me that was o.k., and then I cried, he hugged me harder and asked if there was anything he could do, “no, not anymore, thank you”.  So many others came and hugged me and asked me the same.  Then the hospital clergy came over and talked with me “here are parking passes, how many will you need?  How many will be coming?”, holy shit I thought, I need to call people and tell them!!!

I felt bad and sad for those people who I had to notify.  My grief quickly pushed aside as I took to the business at hand and I became the consoler and comforter.  This is when I truly realized what an honor it was for me to be a witness to her passing.  I got the last moments with her, I have the very last memory of her, it is mine, and I am so blessed and honored to carry that gift.

 

**Ruth passed away Sept 26, 2015.  She was my closest & dearest friend.  I am still struggling with her death on many levels, and intend to miss her every day.  My writing here on WP has taken a blow during her illness, hospital stay and untimely passing, I have lost my spark and social flair, I don’t know if either of those will ever recover, but I hope so as I miss you all so much.

Much Love,

BB

 

 

 

 

 

 

Fantasy

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This is how it goes…

It’s the middle of the day

Late afternoon

My thoughts have drifted to you

I’ve become uncomfortable in my seat

Wet thighs both excite and irritate me

My nipples are hard under my dress

My mind wanders, I catch my breath

The phone rings, bringing me to real-time

I stall, as I’m

Lost in my current fantasy

So close to climatic ecstasy

The phone is relentless, it rings again

I pause, for the moment….

Now… back to pretend

I will always Love You

You peel away my layers, with gentle ease

Acknowledging, then dismissing, my insecurities

Reciting the truest lies, my heart, has ever known

Unraveling every thread, so carefully sewn

Binding me tightly, with all those loose ends

When my heart stops, you make it, beat again

And I don’t understand, I just can’t comprehend

How love grows, from days beginning, to days end

But, this truth I know, and hold tightly onto

This day, and all days, I will always, Love You

Superwoman

She is Superwoman
the strongest I know
The world tried to kill her
but she’s not ready to go

They say that her heart
just can’t handle the stress
but her heart disagrees
and keeps coming back

She’s been resuscitated
just to flat line again
yet five minutes ago
she tightly squeezed my hand

She says she isn’t strong
yet I’ve always known she is
She’s fucking Superwoman
she’s a boss-ass bitch

*Dedicated to my best friend who continues to fight for her life.

I urge everyone to have a living will, and to also have a DNR with the hospital (if that is your choice).  Please do not leave these hard decisions to your family should it come to that.  You do not know if your family will all agree and even have your best interest in their own hearts.

I Dance with Depression

I dance with depression
a slow sorrowful waltz
dips and twirls
that fade in and out

It’s not glamorous
the dresses have no frills
there are no vivid colors
disco balls or thrills

I don’t know when my partner
will show to take
me by my hand
I’d like to tell him no
but the choice isn’t mine

and

He pulls me to the floor
before the music starts
the dancing begins
as my self-preservation
departs

Thoughts of death and suicide
slowly infect my mind
I don’t want it to happen
but it does
from time to time

You see
I dance with depression
I try to tell him no
but he drags me to floor
and it’s happening more
and more

In An Instant

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She knew in an instant

the weight of his world

why she would always

and never be, his girl

She could see through

his eyes, into his soul

she felt it in his touch

why, he couldn’t let go

She knew in an instant

every lie in his truth

so as she held tightly

she was letting loose

She knew by his kiss

the instant was gone

still within her heart

she’d forever hold on

Restraint

She removes her flip flops to bare her feet

wishing she were baring her whole being

She wants to push him into the soft grass

not giving a damn about the mess

As her hand lays softly upon his knee

she wishes to run it up his thigh just as easily

She wants to kiss him hard and harder still

to feel every tingle as her body thrills

She longs to turn in his embrace to face him

rip his shirt from his chest to feel his skin

She wants to ride him there where they sit

and that smooth face of his, she wants to lick it

But now is not the time, nor is this the place

she gathers her composure, she shows the greatest restraint

Miss You (he says)

Miss You,
he says

Yet I question that truth

He should know by now
that is what
I do

I question it all
his words
and what lies behind

I question
his motives,
his tricks of the mind

Miss You,
he says

With a hug and a kiss
but, I wonder, exactly
what it is
he truly
does miss

He (she, me, you, we)

HE condemns me
but I wonder
does he
ever
pray for me

Does he
ever
get down on his knees
pray for
peace

He condemns
the evil he sees
on the TV screen
from the heart
of
the inner city

But
has he
ever fed the hungry
or
showed mercy
to those in need

Maybe
this is just
the bleeding heart in me
wishing
everyone
would be

the change
they
wish to see

Held By You

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I miss you in the usual ways
your eyes, your voice,
your face

I miss the small obscurities
those things
that are
a mystery

How we think
the very same thought
but only one of us chooses to say it
while the other
does not

How eight hours is a lifetime
but a year
the blink of an eye

I miss you
but I

would rather miss you
the rest of my days
then to have never felt your embrace

I would rather go to my grave
missing you every day
then to have never known
how it felt
to be held by you

to be held by you

Intentions

Your intentions mean nothing

as they fall to the floor

Just as every promise, promised

so many times before

Your words are lies

still forming in your mind

I know this truth

As I’ve heard them

time, after time

Your intentions are worthless

without actions to follow

Your promises, just words

empty and hollow

And I am incapable

of feeling anymore

as I’ve watched your intentions

fall all too many times

to the floor…

Not Worth A Title

He’d beat her in places nobody could see

he beat her because of anger and jealousy

He’d burn her where it wouldn’t show

he burned in places only he would know

Her curfew was 9 pm

yet her job required her to work past then

So, she was beaten each Wednesday night

but she loved her job, so she accepted her plight

He’d beat her if his dinner was cold

yet every night he was later than what she’d been told

He’d burn her if he wasn’t sexually fulfilled

but it was his whiskey dick that lacked the proper skills

She was scared to death to mention a single word

he’d threatened to hurt her family and their little girl

One day her co-workers found out the facts

they reported him, and arrested his ass

they called her family who came to help

they packed her up and got her out

She filed for divorce while he sat in a cell

I don’t know where she is, but I wish her well

* This is a true story about a wonderful girl I had the privilege of working with many years ago.  That monster would beat her on her head, so her dark hair would hide her bruises and cuts.  She was the sweetest and most apologetic, shy girl I’ve ever met.  She was my same age but seemed so much younger and much more broken.

When we discovered her truth and gave her a safe environment to share her secrets she quickly, but carefully  opened up.  You could see she was clearly terrified.  While her husband (and abuser) was away at training (he was a military man), we got a hold of her brother who came and packed her and her daughter up and moved them out.  Charges and divorce papers were filed.  She was finally safe.

Please, if anyone finds themselves in this kind of situation, know that there is help and are people who care and are willing to listen and lend a hand.  Don’t be afraid to talk about it.  An abuser uses mind games to manipulate and scare tactics to keep their victims weak.  Words are strength.

Facing My Fear

The not so cute waiter asked me to move away from the window, “broken glass doesn’t go well with your dress ma’am” he tells me as he reaches for my wine and gestures to a table further away from the window.  I frown my disapproval and move to the “safer” table with reluctance.  I sit sipping my wine watching the rain, hail and wind whip the patio furniture outside the window.  Rain starts to leak in through the bottom of the door to the patio.  Nobody notices but myself.  I finally point this out to thee now even more unattractive waiter, who assembles a clean up crew.  I switch from wine to coffee, as my phone starts to send me severe weather alerts.  This will be a long drive home.

It is a long drive home.  The lightning fills the sky, it is simply beautiful, and I want to capture it on my phone and send it to someone who will appreciate it with me.  It is about this time that I become flooded with the realization of my fear.  Not fear of the storm, I would walk naked into the eye of a tornado laughing all the way.  I love storms!!  Storms are the one time that I am fully comfortable letting go of every bit of control and just giving in.  Somehow the storm without calms my storm within.

No, I came to realize that I had a deeper nagging fear I was trying to cover, as I often do.  The fear of loss.  Of losing someone.  I am for the most part a free spirit, I don’t hold too tightly and I let go fairly easily, as I expect the same from others.  But damned if I hadn’t gotten myself into a situation where the thought of being absent from this person caused me real pain.  So, do I let go, and give in, do I walk naked and boldly into the eye of the storm or do I move to a safer table and watch from a distance??

In The Absence Of Words

In the absence of words

A beautiful loving smile

Deepens a connection

No matter the miles

In the absence of words

The gentleness of a hug

Erases space and time

To carry one’s love

In the absence of words

Do not fear

Love holds you close

Love holds you near

Earrings and Dreams

My earring fell out and lay at my feet

just the same as many of my dreams

I bend and reach

then decide

like those dreams

I don’t need it

I have more earrings

I have more dreams

I have the rest of my life

for both of these things

Hey Y’all

I am missing everybody so much!!!!

I have been away doing my second (ok! ok! maybe my third) favorite thing.  Working.  I am running two offices and still studying to take my state exam!

The good news is I excel best when under pressure (as long as I am in control) so I am currently at top performance level.

The bad news is that I have little time to play, which includes writing and socializing here on WP.  I miss socializing with my WP family the most!!

I hope to have the office situation under better control within a few weeks.  As soon as I do I will be back here every morning, reading and socializing.  I hope to be back writing very soon as well.  Currently my creativity has been pushed aside and filled with meetings, marketing, healthcare, spreadsheets, outreach, and expansion.

Please wait for me, XO

BB